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Standing alone amongst ruins of rubble
Waits a little angel with eyes expressing fear.
She wears a dress of shining so light and clear
And in her palm she holds her teddy so tight;
Whilst scarlet skies turn black to herald trouble.

Flames fly high over her raven crown without care;
Scorching grim ground beneath her feet,
But this is no angel that any army can defeat.
She'll break bullets with breath of a terrified sound
And she'll tame those who torment with her stare.

Standing alone amongst wreckage of war;
Sings a little angel with hands howling pain.
She walks in boots of mourning so brash and vain
And in her gaze she wields her hate so harsh;
Whilst grey graves turn red to blind disaster.

Explosions erupt low under her toes pale by pity;
Burning stagnant skin revealing her mystery,
But this is no angel that anarchy will have victory.
She'll crack courage with cries of a mortified sin
And she'll humble those who hurt with her ferocity.

Standing alone amongst concrete of carnage,
Haunts a little angel with bones bonding fast.
She talks by riddles of warning so primal and aghast
And in her mind she locks her despair so dismal;
Whilst green grasses turn white to subdue rage.

Terror travels far beside her life; horrid in hell
Damning atrophied ambience inside her spirit,
But this is no angel that anger can ever visit.
She'll taunt time with tears of a petrified silence
And she'll doom those who despair with her yell.
Inspired by the album artwork for "We Are The Fallen's" "Tear The World Down".

I imagined a post-apocalpytic world, where this little girl was walking through the dilapated ruins of a city at night. While a gunfight was happening. And that this girl was capable of surviving the crossfire since she was really something more than a child.

Extra Note: I've been made aware recently with this poem of "bad grammar". Unfortunately, there is no "bad grammar", only my own self-tyle of poetic licence which I used. Primarily because I've been wanting to think outside the box and break traditional conventions.

I will list a couple examples from the poem itself to clarify my reasoning behind their usage.

Stanza 1, Line 3: 'She wears a dress of shining...'

In this line I used 'of shining' to signify that her dress was white, but was so powerful it dazzled your eyes when you looked at it, giving the allusion of an angelic attire.

Stanza 3, Line 2: '...hands howling pain'

'Howling' is a word I used to put across a point that her hands were throbbing from pain, but I used 'howling' as though the pain was quite intense.

It was my intention for the poem to be like this, because if I wrote it any other way then it wouldn't live up to my own personal expectations.

Another point to clarify is I play around with words, and it's no mad or bad thing at times to step over a boundary and break the rules.
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:iconfly-gonz:
Critique by Fly-gonz Sep 18, 2012, 7:22:35 PM
Let me start by saying that I like this poem a lot. It's powerful, visionary, and easily accessible by most readers. You've really painted a gory picture for the reader about how we will be condemned for our violent acts. I like the various contrast of light and dark, peace and violence, etc., as well as the analogies, and the powerful diction that you've put into this work. There is a lot of good stuff here and I like it very much.

However, I feel like you've limited yourself too much to the rhyme scheme and rhythmic pattern (I can see some iambic pentameter going on). You've really tried to use alliterations. Sometimes the alliterations have a nice effect, but in other cases, they make no sense at all. For example, how exactly does a hand "howl" or skin "stagnate"? In addition, some things don't make sense because you're trying to rhyme them. (for example, what does "pale by pity" even mean?) I'm also slightly worried about some grammar in places, but there's poetic license.

Overall, it's a great poem with a dark, but passionately conveyed message. I just recommend reading it over again to check if everything makes sense and is cohesive.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
26 out of 28 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmichel-le-fou:
Poetic justice is due from michel-le-fou. I agree basically with the above criticism, but I do not feel that the rhythm or rhyme is weak, etc, as mentioned above. You did well with every aspect of stylistics, such as alliteration, rhyme, etc, as usual. I wondered whether he was familiar with your background or had collected your poetry before, as I have.

Your vision of a post-apocalyptic world borders with c=science fiction and decries your familiarity with the genre too. I find so much herein that is typically good with your style. You are becoming a grand master of the art, which bids me take off my topper to you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconforgottonjourney:
ForgottonJourney Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm still trying to figure out what it means to have "bad grammar" in poetry... O.o isn't poetry something anyone can do? There isn't a wrong way to paint. I loved this poem, I loved lines like "pale by pity" it really painted the picture for me.
Reply
:iconbookwormmk:
BookWormMK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your imagery is beautiful. Using words and playing with meaning like you do makes for a very interesting poem.
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:iconabyssal-dark-wolf:
Abyssal-Dark-Wolf Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Anyone who doesn't understand your wording is clearly no poet- I find I enjoy poems like yours with different ways of describing things more than other poems. :thumbsup: Beautiful work. :3
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:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant work! :wow: The title and the first lines captured my attention, and your amazing, vivid use of language brought clear images to my mind. :clap:
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013   Writer
Why thank you. Glad something I wrote a year ago still manages to capture the imagination. This was probably one of my more controversial pieces. Especially as some didn't like the fact I had played around with words to portray these images. But darn it, I'm proud of this one, same with loads of others. 
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:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
And you should indeed be proud of this piece, and the others too! :nod: Playing with words and conventions with skills like yours should be admired, not frowned upon! I mean, the styles we now call traditional... someone had to invent them, and how else to invent something but by trying it out? ;P :giggle: And art is all about testing one's limits and creativity. ^^
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013   Writer
Very true. That's why I say keep an open mind. I mean Victorian era writers would probably have grimaced at writers attempting Classical Latin or Greek styles along the lines of Plutarch and Homer. Though who cares about the style. As a writer myself, my aim is to generate a response be it from the mind, the heart, or the soul. People complain when say a word describing another word is not an adjective. But who wrote the rule-book on writing literature? There is no right or wrong way of doing anything. Creativity should not be something to suppress. It should be nurtured and allowed to thrive. This poem I feel demonstrates all those days of trial and error coming to a conclusion. Yet I'm still following the philosophy of trial and error. 
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:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:nod: Exactly! :eager:
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:iconohreemamma:
Ohreemamma Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
yeah, you wouldn't own poetry unless you live by your rules. I find it beautiful how you could imagine amazing settings and images. no wonder this is so popular ^_^
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013   Writer
Indeed when I first submitted this back in October of last year I was literally overblown by how popular it was within minutes of its submission. This is basically my most popular poem ever written. I think it's because I tried to do something new and different.
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:icondaisy51297:
Daisy51297 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
A magnificent piece, definitely worth a favorite :)
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much. I really appreciate it :)
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, I really like this! The imagery in it is wonderful. :D
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2013   Writer
Thank you :) What imagery did you like?
Reply
:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! I really liked "She wears a dress of shining so light and clear,
And in her palm she holds her teddy so tight,".
Reply
:iconfrencifry:
Frencifry Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Student Writer
Well, after thoroughly reading the poem AND the description, I get the sense of the whole "bad grammar" thing you were ranting about. BUT HERE'S THE THING: I don't think it's "bad" at all, nor did I even think that to begin with. o.o I noticed the unusual placement of words to describe things, but IT FIT. It was perfect, and I got out of it what you wanted out of it as the writer. I do what you do all the time. My turns of phrase aren't always natural and typical, but that's the beauty of it all, isn't it? It serves a purpose, and yours did splendidly. A very vivid poem, it gave me chills. o.o ~
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:iconeternalobserver:
eternalobserver Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
I'm sorry. I know it was a bit much. I didn't mean to make my comment look like a poem (or not-poem. Actually it's more like a short story) in response to a poem. But when I think about it, I just have to put this thought to words because of how moving it is! And when I say moving, I mean foreboding, but not so much that it makes me feel.......... Actually, I don't know how to describe this, but.......... You know what I'm trying to say, right? Anyway, those were my thoughts, and I just want to say how good it was, and that you are an excellent artist to have made something this good that it takes two full comments just to say it (My apologies DA (bows apologetically to other members) ) Congrats on a job well done! :D
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013   Writer
That's fine. If you like this, you might like to have a look through some of my other works in my gallery. Folders are in chronological order so that viewers get a chance to see my progress as a poet. Another amazing thing is, I'm self-taught. Only started a year and a half ago. Before that I did not read, analysis, or write poetry.
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:iconeternalobserver:
eternalobserver Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
This is really good! I can almost imagine seeing the child as you described her! When I think about, I imagine seeing her standing in that battlefield as the fight is going on, bullets flying everywhere, but none coming anywhere within even an inch of her! She stands there under those dark clouds with only a thin veil of light illuminating her path while shutting out everything else as it goes on. Her shadow projected behind her takes the form, not of a child, but of a divine being whose very presence alone seems to render all conflict meanless. Her face showing innocence but her eyes showing a condescending indifference, she looks down on the fighting as it goes on, putting fear and regret into the hearts those who look into her gaze, even as they continue fighting! (shudders) Scary stuff!
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013   Writer
Hmm, a very well thought out analysis I must say. Indeed you got the overall concept of the poem and what I was aiming for. However, what may surprise you more, is that when I wrote this, there was no plan behind it. I mainly started writing in my notepad on my blackberry, everything in the poem I wrote just came off the top of my head. It wasn't till I got mid-way that a theme started to emerge and so I went with it. I always try and do something original and well this must be my most original creation out of 800+ poems.
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:iconinvaderzib13:
InvaderZIB13 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Once again,
you continue to amaze me!
Reply
:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   Writer
Indeed. I wrote this a few months back. One of my most popular poems. I reached 200 favourites in under a day. I was taken aback at the time, and I'm still flabbergasted at how many people liked what I had written.
Reply
:iconinvaderzib13:
InvaderZIB13 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, that was like my one poem 'Bully'.
In less than 24 hours, it had already received more than 600 favs.
(of course, I posted it on christmas eve, so that was probably why it got so many on that day.)
But still!
If you have the talent, you shouldnt be flabbergasted.
You should be grateful!
I mean, if its good, its good.
end of story.
Reply
:icontayla19:
Tayla19 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012
this was beautifully written. i love the fact that you have thought outside the box with the way that you have written this. the way that you have used words that have nothing to do with what it should mean and placed them so that they mean something different is amazing. well done =)
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:iconodreh2:
Odreh2 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Holy crap. I wrote something super similar to this. Yours has much better imagery, though. Actually, yours is crap-tons better than mine.
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:iconphotopathica:
Photopathica Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012   General Artist
Hi!
We have chosen your work for our Featured Folder for October!
This piece has been featured here: [link]

On behalf of:
:icondeviantsgallery:
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:iconwinter33:
winter33 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Your poem was powerful and even though Fly-gonz critique was good, I understood waht you were you trying to say. Your poem really spoke to me, I can't wait to read more of yours!
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Flagged as Spam
:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012   Writer
Excuse me, this is not the place to advertise jobs. You will be blocked and reported.
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:iconaylee95:
aylee95 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
You might want to fix this from the third line,
"...wears a dress of shining..."
I don't know if I'm wrong.. but it just seems like bad grammar to have the sentence written with "of" like that.
Other than that...
Nice imagery, loved it :D
Reply
:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012   Writer
The third line was intended to be like that. Of course you are correct to say the grammar is wrong, but in this case it's purely poetic licence.
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:iconaylee95:
aylee95 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
oh.. okay.. :D got it. Sorry about that. x)
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:icontalentlessartlover:
TalentlessArtlover Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
WOW!! [link]
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:iconqueenofquills:
QueenOfQuills Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Student Writer
Powerful poem :) I really like your rhyme scheme too, it's unusual!
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012   Writer
Thanks. :) I intended the rhyme scheme to be unusual when I waas writing it. I know a few folk have had problems with some of the grammar, but I intended the poem to be that way. I'm glad you liked it.
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:iconjmjack156:
jmjack156 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012
i could picture this, great job but i think you broke your rhyme scheme in the third quatret
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:iconstars-bread99:
Stars-Bread99 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012
wow..beautiful and disturbing...seriously.


Like, you're talented.
Reply
:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012   Writer
Me, talented? Nah. I'm actually amazed that after 743 deviations, hours of writing tons and tons of poems that I get such a high response to something I created. Usually I'd only expect this sort of level of appreciation to say non-literary types of work such as photography or digital art. I always consider myself an amateur poet/lyrist/writer. See I've have only been writing poems for a year now. Before that I did not read poetry at alll, didn't even spend much time on in it while at college either. I self-taught myself all that I know. I usually write nearly every day. This poem was written on my phone in under 30 minutes. Sometimes I amaze myself.
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:iconakirawolfwriter888:
AkiraWolfWriter888 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012
:iconcannotevenplz:

I honestly don't even know what to say about this. I nearly began to sob, and I honestly am not one to cry at sad literature or movies AT ALL. I congratulate you on the success of this poem rendering me emotionally weak and causing my hands to quite literally quiver as I type. ;w;

Your figurative language is great, but obviously the heart of this story is the focus on the pure little girl who is trapped in this Hell. Oddly enough, though, when I first read the piece (before looking at your description), I didn't see the girl as any more than a normal child. My personal interpretation was that she was an example, and that the suffering of any child can be enough to make some warmongers at least second-guess the violence they cause for a bit ("tame those who torment with her stare", "humble those who hurt her", etc.). That's just my two cents, of course. Either way, FRIGGIN FANTASTIC WORK. :icongoodjobplz:
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012   Writer
Wow, I had no idea something I wrote would cause such a reaction. My main imppression upon conpleting this poem was that it would only receive poor appreciation. I have many other poems that are akin to this in a way. So feel free to watch and check out more from my gallery when you get the time. I fully appreciate all the support I can get. And I usually submit work every day or here and then.
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:iconakirawolfwriter888:
AkiraWolfWriter888 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
I will most definitely check out more of your work when I can! Thank you for telling me, and for writing awesome awesomeness such as this. ^^
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:icondeideiblueeyez:
deideiblueeyez Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Reminds me of something like Cassandra from Greek myth. The poor lass who was cursed with the ability to see into the future but having no one believe her. Dick move, Apollo.

It didn't make sense to me. Why wouldn't people believe her if everything bad she ever said would happen DID happen? Are they just stupid? Whatever...

I love it. Dark and haunting, and I love innocent little angels, even if it's just a symbolization for a little girl. I'm weird like that.
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:iconsasukes1gf4life:
sasukes1gf4life Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:omg: oh my god i love this!! it's makes me want to draw this lil girl like pointing at soldiers and threatning them in the middle of a battle field..

I am so inspired right now :happybounce:
Reply
:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012   Writer
Thanks. I'm happy that this poem, which I believed was going to be considered awful, has inspired you. Please acknowledge me if you submit your new work with this as your inspiration. I have other poems in my gallery that are also inspiring if you care to read them at some point.
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:iconsasukes1gf4life:
sasukes1gf4life Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Don't worry I'll acknowledge you when I draw and submit it and I will most certainly look at your other poems :D
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012   Writer
Thank you, and when I get the time, I'll have a browse through your own artwork. And I'll also watch you too as a token of appreciation :)
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:iconsasukes1gf4life:
sasukes1gf4life Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you :D
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:iconoddgamergirl:
OddGamerGirl Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
This is so amazing! I love this. It's beautiful and dark.
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012   Writer
Thanks very much. Your words are very much humbly appreciated.
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:iconfellawake:
Fellawake Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The imagery is fantastic, and the entire piece as a whole is really great.
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Submitted on
September 18, 2012
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