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Writing by LordressViper

Literature by ladydevaskilisk

Writing by KyubiChan95

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Submitted on
September 18, 2012
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6,614 (1 today)
250 (who?)


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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
Standing alone amongst ruins of rubble
Waits a little angel with eyes expressing fear.
She wears a dress of shining so light and clear
And in her palm she holds her teddy so tight;
Whilst scarlet skies turn black to herald trouble.

Flames fly high over her raven crown without care;
Scorching grim ground beneath her feet,
But this is no angel that any army can defeat.
She'll break bullets with breath of a terrified sound
And she'll tame those who torment with her stare.

Standing alone amongst wreckage of war;
Sings a little angel with hands howling pain.
She walks in boots of mourning so brash and vain
And in her gaze she wields her hate so harsh;
Whilst grey graves turn red to blind disaster.

Explosions erupt low under her toes pale by pity;
Burning stagnant skin revealing her mystery,
But this is no angel that anarchy will have victory.
She'll crack courage with cries of a mortified sin
And she'll humble those who hurt with her ferocity.

Standing alone amongst concrete of carnage,
Haunts a little angel with bones bonding fast.
She talks by riddles of warning so primal and aghast
And in her mind she locks her despair so dismal;
Whilst green grasses turn white to subdue rage.

Terror travels far beside her life; horrid in hell
Damning atrophied ambience inside her spirit,
But this is no angel that anger can ever visit.
She'll taunt time with tears of a petrified silence
And she'll doom those who despair with her yell.
Inspired by the album artwork for "We Are The Fallen's" "Tear The World Down".

I imagined a post-apocalpytic world, where this little girl was walking through the dilapated ruins of a city at night. While a gunfight was happening. And that this girl was capable of surviving the crossfire since she was really something more than a child.

Extra Note: I've been made aware recently with this poem of "bad grammar". Unfortunately, there is no "bad grammar", only my own self-tyle of poetic licence which I used. Primarily because I've been wanting to think outside the box and break traditional conventions.

I will list a couple examples from the poem itself to clarify my reasoning behind their usage.

Stanza 1, Line 3: 'She wears a dress of shining...'

In this line I used 'of shining' to signify that her dress was white, but was so powerful it dazzled your eyes when you looked at it, giving the allusion of an angelic attire.

Stanza 3, Line 2: '...hands howling pain'

'Howling' is a word I used to put across a point that her hands were throbbing from pain, but I used 'howling' as though the pain was quite intense.

It was my intention for the poem to be like this, because if I wrote it any other way then it wouldn't live up to my own personal expectations.

Another point to clarify is I play around with words, and it's no mad or bad thing at times to step over a boundary and break the rules.
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Critique by Fly-gonz Sep 18, 2012, 7:22:35 PM
Let me start by saying that I like this poem a lot. It's powerful, visionary, and easily accessible by most readers. You've really painted a gory picture for the reader about how we will be condemned for our violent acts. I like the various contrast of light and dark, peace and violence, etc., as well as the analogies, and the powerful diction that you've put into this work. There is a lot of good stuff here and I like it very much.

However, I feel like you've limited yourself too much to the rhyme scheme and rhythmic pattern (I can see some iambic pentameter going on). You've really tried to use alliterations. Sometimes the alliterations have a nice effect, but in other cases, they make no sense at all. For example, how exactly does a hand "howl" or skin "stagnate"? In addition, some things don't make sense because you're trying to rhyme them. (for example, what does "pale by pity" even mean?) I'm also slightly worried about some grammar in places, but there's poetic license.

Overall, it's a great poem with a dark, but passionately conveyed message. I just recommend reading it over again to check if everything makes sense and is cohesive.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
25 out of 27 deviants thought this was fair.

Poetic justice is due from michel-le-fou. I agree basically with the above criticism, but I do not feel that the rhythm or rhyme is weak, etc, as mentioned above. You did well with every aspect of stylistics, such as alliteration, rhyme, etc, as usual. I wondered whether he was familiar with your background or had collected your poetry before, as I have.

Your vision of a post-apocalyptic world borders with c=science fiction and decries your familiarity with the genre too. I find so much herein that is typically good with your style. You are becoming a grand master of the art, which bids me take off my topper to you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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BookWormMK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your imagery is beautiful. Using words and playing with meaning like you do makes for a very interesting poem.
Abyssal-Dark-Wolf Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Anyone who doesn't understand your wording is clearly no poet- I find I enjoy poems like yours with different ways of describing things more than other poems. :thumbsup: Beautiful work. :3
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant work! :wow: The title and the first lines captured my attention, and your amazing, vivid use of language brought clear images to my mind. :clap:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013   Writer
Why thank you. Glad something I wrote a year ago still manages to capture the imagination. This was probably one of my more controversial pieces. Especially as some didn't like the fact I had played around with words to portray these images. But darn it, I'm proud of this one, same with loads of others. 
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
And you should indeed be proud of this piece, and the others too! :nod: Playing with words and conventions with skills like yours should be admired, not frowned upon! I mean, the styles we now call traditional... someone had to invent them, and how else to invent something but by trying it out? ;P :giggle: And art is all about testing one's limits and creativity. ^^
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013   Writer
Very true. That's why I say keep an open mind. I mean Victorian era writers would probably have grimaced at writers attempting Classical Latin or Greek styles along the lines of Plutarch and Homer. Though who cares about the style. As a writer myself, my aim is to generate a response be it from the mind, the heart, or the soul. People complain when say a word describing another word is not an adjective. But who wrote the rule-book on writing literature? There is no right or wrong way of doing anything. Creativity should not be something to suppress. It should be nurtured and allowed to thrive. This poem I feel demonstrates all those days of trial and error coming to a conclusion. Yet I'm still following the philosophy of trial and error. 
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:nod: Exactly! :eager:
Ohreemamma Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
yeah, you wouldn't own poetry unless you live by your rules. I find it beautiful how you could imagine amazing settings and images. no wonder this is so popular ^_^
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013   Writer
Indeed when I first submitted this back in October of last year I was literally overblown by how popular it was within minutes of its submission. This is basically my most popular poem ever written. I think it's because I tried to do something new and different.
Daisy51297 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
A magnificent piece, definitely worth a favorite :)
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