Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
In those final hours of June,
I trespass into fields of silver and gold,
Listening to birds singing a dismal tune.
Noire crows muse up high as I wander so cold,
To hear a morbid lullaby sailing through the air.

In those final hours of June,
I meander up streams of ruby and sapphire,
Watching birds dance to a song called ruin.
Sable ravens endure on oaken limbs burning in fire,
So fate is a sorrowful death with which they share.

In those final hours of June,
I lie upon sands of iron and steel,
Feeding those birds who will sing to me soon.
Ebony sparrows condemn me to a dead-man's meal,
If they be black omens: is heralds of dying their only care?
I wrote part of this yesterday. Been busy looking for work, so I only finished this a few minutes ago. My inspiration came from the belief that certain birds invoke a superstitious sense of being the harbingers of death.
Add a Comment:
This is a very, very beautiful piece. There's so much imagery, so much metaphor, and an immersible quality to it that I don't often see.

My favorite line is "So fate is a sorrowful death with which they share". This line has a lot of power to it, much like the whole poem. Power is really the main strength I see here. A lot of poets have very beautiful lines and can use rhyme and idea effectively, but they lack that crucial zap that makes a poem.

There are two minor problems I see after reading through carefully. One of them is the use of the word Noire. While it is a very beautiful French word and a great substitute for black, it might isolate your readers to the few who actually understand what the word means. You always have to be very carefully with word choice, as sometimes the more intricate words throw them off from the poem.

Also (and this is just a pet peeve) the last line seems to me (although I might be wrong) kind of awkward. I feel like 'are heralds of dying' is a more appropriate line. However, I'm no grammar expert.

Other than that, I find no flaws in the poem. It is very well done, as said before, and very original. The vision is complete and well thought out, and the impact is INCREDIBLE.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

Manigran Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is one of your best works so far. So vivid and beautiful. So much amazing imagery here. Well done!
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Student Writer
This is an absolutely amazing poem with beautiful imagery and superb word choice!
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Student General Artist
This is incredible. I love the symbolism here! I especially love the repetition of the first line.
xxBoneless Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Breathtaking piece.
the-soulseeker-vio Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is very beautiful.
athanase-roux Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Add a Comment:

:iconnemox7: More from NemoX7

Featured in Collections

Words of the Great by aalie

Literature by TetraRocks

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
June 20, 2012
File Size
823 bytes


22 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.