Sta.sh
Something old, something new,
Just give me one perfect devious answer,
Or do I have to weed out of you a clue?
You say you adore me, but it feels like cancer,
To perform this childish charade every disaster.
Close shut the door and wave goodbye,
Look through echoes of grimy glass in regret,
To see a forlorn face but you don't know why?
Where times spent in trust you can never forget,
From chords of a pitiful piano that sing then cry.
Something borrowed, something blue,
Just give me one good honest reason,
Why I should give a damn about you?
You say you love me, but it feels like treason,
To play this churlish charade every season.
Open wide the curtains and say farewell,
Breathe through sighs of arid air in despair,
To see a sullen survivor but you sent him to hell.
Where memories lost in merit you say aren't fair,
From vocals of a guilty guitar that whisper then yell.
You take away my heart of sanity,
To pour in your seeds of vanity,
Now all I have left is my mind of insanity.
Love was once our generator of electricity,
But now it's become our beacon of eccentricity.
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First thing I noticed was the flow. Wile I was reading it out loud to myself it was a bit bumpy, and I was stopping now and then. This is a danger when you have longer lines. It's something harder to change now, but I would suggest in the future when you have longer sentences, for each line to rhyme instead of every other. For example, the first three lines of the poem.
"Something old, something new." I was expecting something to rhyme with new in the next line. By waiting till the third it's harder for the reader to make the connection between the words. I know when I write a poem I read it over so many times I almost memorize it, so in my head it flows very nicely, but when other people are seeing it for the first time it can be a bit choppy.
On another note How you opened the first stanza, and the third was very nice. " Something old, something new." "Something borrowed, something blue." it really made a nice connect and tied the beginning of the poem into that stanza. So much so I was expecting for that to be the end of the poem. I think it would make a better connection if the line "Something borrowed, something blue." was in the last stanza of the poem. It would be a good closing line. Putting it in the middle it's like an hour glass. You opened up the poem nicely, closed it in the middle, and then opened back up again.
Other then those two things I love the imagery you used, it was so rich and descriptive, full of great language. Especially the last two stanzas, those are my favorite. You really painted a scene with your descriptions and made a very clear mood to the poem.
I hope that I helped some.
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