ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
NemoX7 has limited the viewing of this artwork to members of the DeviantArt community only.
You can log in or become a member for FREE.
Deviation Actions
Literature
Memoriam ad Perpetuum (Memorial Day 2022)
Memoriam ad Perpetuum Memorial Day 2022 By J.C. Solis We are The Remnants of now bygone days We fought for, and with our lives, We did pay We are The Ones of a begotten past For we fought so that Your Future may last We are The Dead of an age long ago Whom you now lament solemnly as so Let the whole of the world, on this day, know The price of blood, and the seeds We did sow We are The Dead within hymn and in song We fought, our battles were painful and long So record our fights and what we fought for And hope no one has to die anymore And thank you for remembering our pain For We Died for your life of Peace and Gain…
Literature
prayer of the broken mother
i whispered your worth in the dark places i carried your bones in the sky far below the place where God sits and the souls of children weave star lilies in the wild after. the soft touch of fingers ghost over your eyes while you sleep and this lullaby pours from my lips a song i have sung before to different ears than yours a spell of my own making self-taught wisdom and the memory of sweeter hands lifting me from the deep this prayer is born in a place of silence and scars. oh Father, forgive me for I know the darkness well let me walk through the valley of shadows but bring this little one beneath my lullaby close against your heart.
Literature
Iris-crested wormhole
for endless melted eons I've drifted through ether sap green and lavender nebulas altairs of amber plasma indigo pulsing densities and for the endless melted eons all I could perceive was the cold void blackness in between the hues not knowing what birthed me yet never home 'till on one bleak melted eon an iris-crested wormhole swallowed me whole and suddenly all the timespace just ceased to be for in the most alien desolate nucleus hypnotically splitting into shiny multidimensions I have found myself I have finally came home.
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
I wrote this at random on the bus. Inspired partially by the traditional wedding rhyme: Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue
Comments2
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
I really do like this a lot, but I wanted to write a critique because I saw so many things that I do in my poems to.
First thing I noticed was the flow. Wile I was reading it out loud to myself it was a bit bumpy, and I was stopping now and then. This is a danger when you have longer lines. It's something harder to change now, but I would suggest in the future when you have longer sentences, for each line to rhyme instead of every other. For example, the first three lines of the poem.
"Something old, something new." I was expecting something to rhyme with new in the next line. By waiting till the third it's harder for the reader to make the connection between the words. I know when I write a poem I read it over so many times I almost memorize it, so in my head it flows very nicely, but when other people are seeing it for the first time it can be a bit choppy.
On another note How you opened the first stanza, and the third was very nice. " Something old, something new." "Something borrowed, something blue." it really made a nice connect and tied the beginning of the poem into that stanza. So much so I was expecting for that to be the end of the poem. I think it would make a better connection if the line "Something borrowed, something blue." was in the last stanza of the poem. It would be a good closing line. Putting it in the middle it's like an hour glass. You opened up the poem nicely, closed it in the middle, and then opened back up again.
Other then those two things I love the imagery you used, it was so rich and descriptive, full of great language. Especially the last two stanzas, those are my favorite. You really painted a scene with your descriptions and made a very clear mood to the poem. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/> Your a great poet, write on.
I hope that I helped some.