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Submitted on
April 22, 2012
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How could something so fragile,
As the humble heart of a lover's longing,
Be so easily torn in twain?
Was it his desire to deal in danger,
When he first gazed upon your glance?

How could something so fragile,
As the sweet soul of a valentine's virtue,
Be so tragically annulled once again?
In his honour and humility for you he did hunger,
But never did you care or give into chance.

How could something so fragile,
As the flickering fire of a sweetheart's seduction,
Be so pathetically ruined in the rain?
His amorous advances are all but asunder,
With malice you've split his love with your lance.
A poem I wrote about rejection.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Firts of all, after I have read the entire poem, the aspect I noticed is the rhyme among the last lines of the poem. That too has been a very successful device in poetry since the Classics. You have not failed with that. That was the only rhyme in a relatively blank verse poem [I remember from my university life that "blank verse" is unrhymed and "free verse" has undetermined meter] and the core of the poem was written with enough awareness of the sadness of rejection [If that was not your intention,feel free to advise me in your reply]. As I have reported about other poems, there is also onomatopoeia and a few other devices which we have the "poetic license" to use at our will. Well-done once again.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnotensmsk:
The poem is short yet complete keeping the interest of the reader and leaving him satisfied; a good impression. For those on the other hand that prefer a conclusion in a poem it might seem half of the poem. Having gone through it I would say that is not much of an issue.

The form of the stanza is unique and enjoyable for many after they realize the style used. The initial line also has its beauty although there could have been something a bit more dramatic; nevertheless a good opener.

Rhyming has been well handled; it does not seem enforced and rather flows. The concepts expressed are well composed with beautiful word usage.

In the end, I feel the title does not do justice; the poem is not only based on fragility rather it contains your reaction to ones such love. Though not straying from the topic, the title is slightly empty.

Otherwise a great job done. No prominent flaws.
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:iconprincessaquarius:
princessaquarius Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Professional Writer
Really good. :)
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:icongummyrabbit:
gummyrabbit Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Hi there!
I saw this in the poetry reviewers group, so I thought I might give you a critique of sorts.
What I like about this poem is the flow of the words. You can read it out loud and it sounds pretty, there's no awkward jolts. The line "the flickering fire of a sweetheart's seduction" sounds especially nice, the syllables are all good together and I really like how you've made alliterations of sorts.
Something I'm not so sure about is the actual language you use at times, words like "twain" can sound slightly affected. Why not use two? Or something more specific than two? On the subject of specificity, I think that that would be something important to add more of to the poem, because without it poems can fall into the sort of generalized and abstracted musings that don't really tell the audience anything especially new. Words like "lance" are good specific words (although I'm not entirely sure to what the lance refers). If you don't want to put in a lot of details because it doesn't fit with the sort of Romantic era poetry that this is similar to, then detailed words are the way to go. Anyway, I'm probably not making myself very clear with explaining this, so my apologies. Not enough specificity is a problem I have all the time when I'm not writing about something direct from my own experiences, so I thought I might share that with you. Anyway, I hope this was helpful, and if you find any of it offensive, just ignore it, because that was not my goal and I'm not an especially good writer. Your poetry seems to have a lot of potential, and I shall go check out the rest of your gallery now. =)
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:iconamber-hart4:
Amber-Hart4 Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
Love this! I have a friend who is going through this with my best friend. So unsure how to feel about it. Anyway, beautiful poem
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:iconme2smart4u:
Me2Smart4U Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2012  Student Digital Artist
OMG... This is written so well...I do fell the flow....

.....yet I seek all the questions as to why
the beating heart can becoming so wry
it holds the many feelings we don't understand
it can endure so much hope and love yet
it is upset that it just can not take
don't overdose it with too much pain
for it will for sure take its break
the heart is trapped behing the ribs
struggling to beat gentil and free
yet a fragile organ like the heart
can and wiill break in two so easily
....

Thank You for the wonderful read...and for the inspiration :headbang:
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:iconkartiksharma:
kartiksharma Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Student General Artist
Good job!
Really amazing work! :D
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Student General Artist
This is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I really like this one. You've outdone yourself. One comment I would add though, is that the first lines of both the second and third stanzas are not complete sentences, so I would recommend changing the "?" at the end of both of them to a "," for grammar's sake.
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, yes. A simple error due to the fact I was copying what I typed on my laptop to my notes section of my blackberry. It was originally commas, but must have overlooked the minor error till now. Glad you mentioned it. Very tedious uploading work on my blackberry, I still have six more to upload.
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Student General Artist
oh ha ha! well I'm glad I mentioned it then. You never know, if I hadn't said anything, then 50 years from now, teachers would be over-analyzing your question marks in literature classes all over the world.
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