How could something so fragile, As the humble heart of a lover's longing, Be so easily torn in twain? Was it his desire to deal in danger, When he first gazed upon your glance?
How could something so fragile, As the sweet soul of a valentine's virtue, Be so tragically annulled once again? In his honour and humility for you he did hunger, But never did you care or give into chance.
How could something so fragile, As the flickering fire of a sweetheart's seduction, Be so pathetically ruined in the rain? His amorous advances are all but asunder, With malice you've split his love with your lance.
The poem is short yet complete keeping the interest of the reader and leaving him satisfied; a good impression. For those on the other hand that prefer a conclusion in a poem it might seem half of the poem. Having gone through it I would say that is not much of an issue.
The form of the stanza is unique and enjoyable for many after they realize the style used. The initial line also has its beauty although there could have been something a bit more dramatic; nevertheless a good opener.
Rhyming has been well handled; it does not seem enforced and rather flows. The concepts expressed are well composed with beautiful word usage.
In the end, I feel the title does not do justice; the poem is not only based on fragility rather it contains your reaction to ones such love. Though not straying from the topic, the title is slightly empty.
Firts of all, after I have read the entire poem, the aspect I noticed is the rhyme among the last lines of the poem. That too has been a very successful device in poetry since the Classics. You have not failed with that. That was the only rhyme in a relatively blank verse poem [I remember from my university life that "blank verse" is unrhymed and "free verse" has undetermined meter] and the core of the poem was written with enough awareness of the sadness of rejection [If that was not your intention,feel free to advise me in your reply]. As I have reported about other poems, there is also onomatopoeia and a few other devices which we have the "poetic license" to use at our will. Well-done once again.
Hi there! I saw this in the poetry reviewers group, so I thought I might give you a critique of sorts. What I like about this poem is the flow of the words. You can read it out loud and it sounds pretty, there's no awkward jolts. The line "the flickering fire of a sweetheart's seduction" sounds especially nice, the syllables are all good together and I really like how you've made alliterations of sorts. Something I'm not so sure about is the actual language you use at times, words like "twain" can sound slightly affected. Why not use two? Or something more specific than two? On the subject of specificity, I think that that would be something important to add more of to the poem, because without it poems can fall into the sort of generalized and abstracted musings that don't really tell the audience anything especially new. Words like "lance" are good specific words (although I'm not entirely sure to what the lance refers). If you don't want to put in a lot of details because it doesn't fit with the sort of Romantic era poetry that this is similar to, then detailed words are the way to go. Anyway, I'm probably not making myself very clear with explaining this, so my apologies. Not enough specificity is a problem I have all the time when I'm not writing about something direct from my own experiences, so I thought I might share that with you. Anyway, I hope this was helpful, and if you find any of it offensive, just ignore it, because that was not my goal and I'm not an especially good writer. Your poetry seems to have a lot of potential, and I shall go check out the rest of your gallery now.
OMG... This is written so well...I do fell the flow....
.....yet I seek all the questions as to why the beating heart can becoming so wry it holds the many feelings we don't understand it can endure so much hope and love yet it is upset that it just can not take don't overdose it with too much pain for it will for sure take its break the heart is trapped behing the ribs struggling to beat gentil and free yet a fragile organ like the heart can and wiill break in two so easily....
Thank You for the wonderful read...and for the inspiration
This is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I really like this one. You've outdone yourself. One comment I would add though, is that the first lines of both the second and third stanzas are not complete sentences, so I would recommend changing the "?" at the end of both of them to a "," for grammar's sake.
Ah, yes. A simple error due to the fact I was copying what I typed on my laptop to my notes section of my blackberry. It was originally commas, but must have overlooked the minor error till now. Glad you mentioned it. Very tedious uploading work on my blackberry, I still have six more to upload.
oh ha ha! well I'm glad I mentioned it then. You never know, if I hadn't said anything, then 50 years from now, teachers would be over-analyzing your question marks in literature classes all over the world.
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