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March 15, 2012
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Life to me is dead,
And all my heartless pain,
Is swarming in my placid head.
There is nothing more that I can feel,
But what I touch in my mind can't be real.

Life is all but dead,
But on this raw path I go again,
Wandering with legs of lead.
To a distant land of sanctity I shall go,
Beside the rush of a wild river flow.

Life is dead.
Am I truly sane?
When all my soul can do is bleed,
With sinews of fire and veins of ice,
Constricted by all this gutless vice.
This was meant to have been submitted before "Crucify Me". Oh well, here it is.

Just a quick update. I might improve on this later. I don't know when. I would do so now, but I'm tired like mad, and my brain is needing sleep.

Another update. Amended it. Tired, but thought do it now before I forget. I can hammer out the kinks later. Least it has bit more substance to it then before.
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:icontogether95:
together95 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i feel you. it takes me weeks to write one thing, although i do tend to write 2 or 3 things at once. His Words (on my profile) took about 2 weeks to write more or less.
im working on something now.
if you like, i can give you an excerpt of my project that im working on now on here in the comments. it might kick start your imagination (cuz i know i need it sometimes!) and i think it really relates to what your writing here.
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Usually I write 10 poems in one day. I mean I only started in August 2011, before that didn't write anything in my life. Just current circumstances, my mind is currently under a weight of stress. I've amended the poem slightly. It's a double-edged sword, I'd admit. Either the poem gets better or gets worse. I tend to favour the first draft I write since it adding to a poem, or taking something out might jeopardize it. But I took the risk. On my head be it: so the saying goes.

Let's see your excerpt. But I can't guarantee it will strike up anything in my imagination.
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:icontogether95:
together95 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Titles are typically the last thing i come up with, so right now, its titless...

okay, here it is -

QUICKLY, DRAIN MY BLOOD, LORD, AND TAKE IT AWAY.
GATHER THE BROKEN PIECES OF MY SOUL, EACH HEAVY WITH PAIN.
THEY'RE ALL THAT'S LEFT.
ALL THAT'S LEFT OF ME.

LORD, ITS HARD TO LIVE WHEN I'M DEAD INSIDE -
AND IT'S GETTING HARDER TO BREATHE WHEN I'M NOT ALIVE.
THE ROAD IS BECOMING WIDE, AND I'M SCARED, LORD.
DON'T REJECT ME OR FORSAKE ME.
GIVE ME A NEW BEGINNING.

-----

So, right now, its over 2,000 characters (spaces included), and it needs some tweaking. right now im trying to give a good ending. endings are always a bit tough for me, but it gets done.

when im finished, ill post it!
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Why not call it "New Beginning". But it's up to you. Since it is your own artistic work. It's good, but I would say calm down a bit with the capital letters, it sounds like you're shouting. I'm assuming this has a religious undercurrent to it. That's great, but personally speaking, I'm not the biggest fan of faith. Yet it's not to say it has doesn't have any meaning for those who do believe in such things.

I usually write for one target audience, and that's usually me. If you write for what others expect you to write than I find that can create a barrier of sorts.

All in all, it's good.
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:icontogether95:
together95 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
no no no, im not going to keep it in all caps. most assuredly no! lol, i just wanted to make a clear line between the excerpt and my comments.

write something else. My interest has greatly piqued now in your writing :)

peace, magna. im out, but ill keep close watch on your pieces :)
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
One correction. Call me Nemo. That should be my username really. No one really calls me Magna.

And feel free to watch. Good luck in your future endeavours.
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:icontogether95:
together95 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Critique? im a poet myself (not a pro, but not bad either, if i do say so myself!). i think its great but there was something missing.
it didnt really bring out any emotion within me. it needs that WOW factor to bring it together. it could be just a really powerful line or an ending that makes you think when youre finished.
i find what helps me write poems is this: what i think people wouldnt normally write or would find other words for, i dare to write myself. And when i step abck and read it, i find it really comes together.

overall, i would (if i could?) grade your poem a B+ :) You really have potential.

Write more?
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll probably amend it, since I'm not too sure about it. From my point of view, as the artist, it does lack a certain something, maybe it's becuase I'm unable to give that little bit of punch. I did write it a couple of nights ago. This is my 584th poem. And my imagination is slightly lacking of late, private hell I'm going through so to speak.
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