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Literature by SilverChaos13

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poetry and writings by unordinalwhimsey


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Submitted on
October 12, 2012
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Take my pitiful mind to a better place,
So I can see the brightest stars shine,
In that abysmal hope called space.
To reach out and touch a forbidden face,
Is the greatest gift anyone could find.

For I have witnessed in vast wonder,
The eternity before this epic I ponder,
Where no creature would consider his death.
But who am I to declare what is up or down?
Nothing is the name of hell in which I drown.

Take my woeful heart to a lesser worth,
So I can hear the darkest sighs scream,
In that dismal void called birth.
That genesis of so mysterious a mirth,
Is the coldest curse anyone could dream.

For I have listened to past laughter,
The velocity while this verse I slaughter,
Where no beast would believe his wrath.
But who am I to state what is rock or sand?
Solitude is the sign where hell is found.

Take my stressful body to a wilder strife,
So I can feel the mildest souls shiver,
In that baptismal fire called life.
To burn in a flame so riotous and rife,
Is the luckiest lie anyone could deliver.

For I have embraced no last emperor,
The longevity after this lose I despair,
Where no monster would mourn his breath.
But who am I to herald what is love or hate?
Ignorance is the idol in hell who will wait.
New poem I wrote. Basically 'paradigm' is a fancy name for puzzle. So it's about how infinite the universe is, how everything within it is puzzling.
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:iconcraytato:
This critique is on behalf of :iconwriters-at-heart:
This is an interesting piece. the words, the vocabulary and syntax are unique and not commonly used. Due to your author's note of having the theme the puzzles of the universe, you did a good job incorporating the bewilderment into your piece. Though because of the incorporation, it was slightly confusing to read. Since it was a bit hard to read, it took away from the impact it had. I don't necessarily have any suggestions seeing as how this is what you were possibly aiming for, so I can't say much. Though what I can say is that the way you formatted the poem was intriguing. I haven't seen stanza rhymes like these. This depicts the puzzling nature of the universe well, good job.
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconluvthemhungergames:
Thanks for inviting me to critique yet another one of your poems :)
I apologize about the lack of great timing on getting back to you... hectic life plus over 30 critique requests = slow response. But I always promise to get to everyone's poems :D

I must say that this poem was powerful and tastefully executed. Th diction was very improved upon, and the metaphors found within the poem (which is another big metaphor) where ingenious. Your lines within the stanzas created the reader to pause and reflect upon what they just read.

I absolutely loved your alliteration and consanace you contained within your poem. It can be rather cumbersome to have alliteration/consance within a poem and still have it flow nicely, and your ideas connect.

There is only one improvement I would suggest, it is the use of a topic that is more easily grasped for the readers. However, this is more of a tale or warning so it is much more difficult to tie in such content with this that readrs can connect with.

All in all it was a decent poem, However, the impact wasn't quiet as strong as your first poem that I critiqued. Dwell on that a little yes?

Thanks again! Keep on writting :)

May the odds be ever in your favor.
-LuvThemHungerGames
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icontanksmallcape:
tanksmallcape Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very powerful words. I admire poets like you very much.
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:iconstarell:
starell Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012
Really lovely poem! The word choice is fantastic and I love the questions you pose!
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:iconcarminedevian:
CarmineDevian Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Student Writer
Im fairly impressed, that was a really interesting one
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:iconvalleigh:
valleigh Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Student Writer
This is aw some like all of your work. Never give up :)
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
Don't think I'll ever give up. My mind won't let me. I literally have 25 poems ready to be written out. I have 12 separate poems based on each of the Zodiac signs, a poem based on vampires, another on the story of The Minotaur and The Sotry of Icarus (the boy who flew too close to the sun) and many more. So yeah, expect more soon.
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:iconvalleigh:
valleigh Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Student Writer
very good then, I have to write daily or i would go crazy. I can't wait to see all of your new work, you have a very good mind ;)
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
I write when the mood takes me. Sometimes I only write one a day, sometimes 5 or even 10 on another. Some would probably call me crazy for the amount I've written but it's purely for my own entertainment and I try and write a broad range of themes. I find it helps me relax and unwind.
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:iconvalleigh:
valleigh Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Student Writer
I hardly ever go a day without writing. Some days I write 20 a day you never know with me. I write when I'm upset or if I'm mad. I love to write about what I think and feel, it's a very good thing.
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
In my early days of writing I would write about 20 a day. One time I wrote 30 in a day. But I realised after writing 15 or more the poems began to become slightly cliched and well dull. I try and write something that's new and different from what others have done before. And the possible fact writing and uploading 25 poems on a blackberry is tedious compared to using an actual computer. Still I've noticed I've started to write more lenthier poems than my standard three stanza affairs. Poems are like puzzles to me. All I need is a few lines that have a catch to them and then I find a way to connect them to relay my story/opinion/theme.
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:iconchanellerenee:
ChanelleRenee Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
Your word choice is amazing. Your wrote this every nicely. I love the flow of the poem.
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