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Submitted on
February 10, 2012
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My chest feels like a furnace,
And my lungs are on fire.
Death is my mind's only desire;
But I will carry on with bitter grace,
Knowing my ashes may leave no trace.

My chest feels like a grenade,
And my heart is about to explode.
Shall I continue down this road?
But now I stop because I am afraid,
That the life I lead may never be saved.

My chest feels like an anvil,
And my ribs feel like lead.
In my palms is black blood that bled,
But I am scared so much my stare is still,
With bleak eyes I accept misery for good or ill.
Inspired by my chest feeling as though it was on fire. Got a stabbing pain in my heart as well. Doesn't help I'm on a downer.
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:icontwilights-rest:
I like the poem and the feeling you've put behind it. It really captures a moment in time. The imagery has a sort of primality to it, especially with the ubiquitous connections humans have to fire. I like the lines "But I will carry on with bitter grace, Knowing my ashes may leave no trace." I find it really speaks to the feeling on being on the verge of exploding. Great connection.

The criticism I can offer, is just occasionally the rhyme scheme could be refined to make it flow better. With a more solid beat structure, and a couple adjusted the words, the poem would be totally fluid, and roll off the page a little more smoothly.

All in all, I think the poem is great, aside from the few technical issues that could be fixed. The imagery, and connection to the base elements and being on the precipice of something monumental, are all fantastic, and I look forward to seeing more deviations : )

Naxos Delver
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:iconmanigran:
Manigran Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Powerful.
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:iconmariachuu:
Mariachuu Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Student Writer
Very good. I like the rhyme scheme, it suits the poem will.
Try to keep the rhythm consistent throughout - swapping or removing or adding in words can be a good short-cut to consistency.
The imagery is fantastic, and the theme is prominent throughout. It never goes off topic which allows the reader to understand and relate to what's happening.
Very well done.
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:iconmindfreakmagic13:
mindfreakmagic13 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Student General Artist
Okay let someone with actual EMOTIONS critique you! *ahem* This was such a beautiful poem, the imagery was vivid, and the context was easily relatable. This sounds like a poem I would write but you did it a million times better! ^_^ You are an exemplary artist indeed!
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:icontheonefallenangel:
TheOneFallenAngel Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Man, Your Work Is So Bautiful, And Your Vocabulary Is Vivid, Like Ten Times Bigger Than Mine! I Love Your Work, And Want To See More! :happycry:
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:iconkrypson:
Krypson Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It does not do to dwell on the past...and forget to live...

Sorry that you feel out of sorts, but life is a journey of many obstacles; and although some obstacles are more difficult to overcome than others, what lies beyond has always been worth the toil. :D Don't succumb to what you face, or else you will never know what lay in store for you. ;)

And this was a very nicely written poem.
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:icona7xfan666:
A7XFan666 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012
Very nice=)
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