I kind of wanted to evoke the view of someone who has been left broken hearted by someone dear to them. Well, that's my general premise in the middle of writing this poem.
I think is really quite good. There is one thing I want to address, and that's that not every line deserves a comma at the end of it. Take for example the second paragraph. If you remove the commas after "part" and "pain" it could help with the fluidity of the piece. I most definitely struggled with putting commas after every single line of my earlier poems, and it sometimes leaves the reader or reciter with a disjointed rhythm. That being said, I really did think that it was a well made piece. Oh, and because I'm slightly OCD, I noticed that you used "you're" when "your" was needed.
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